President Richard Nixon once said, “Defeat doesn’t finish a man – quit does.” But Nixon resigned and I’m a woman so I’m starting to have my doubts.
I’ve been a determined, highly motivated person for the majority of my life. Depending on who you ask, one might even refer to me as a “Type A personality.” Basically, whatever I’m doing, I’m gonna do it the best it’s ever been done. In high school I captained two sports teams, was elected president of two clubs, and graduated second in my class all while securing a full ride scholarship to college. By the time college came around I threw even more energy into being “the best.” I served in my campus student government, started research, sat on committees, took full course loads, applied to scholarships and grants, and generally filled every inch of my Google calendar with incredibly important, couldn’t-skip-if-I-wanted-to tasks. 
By the first year of my Ph.D. – when you’d expect a student to really give their all – I just felt… annoyed. Why, after sixteen years of school and working multiple jobs, did I feel the same pressure to perform as I did in high school?
Well, you have to be the best in high school to get to a good college. You have to be the best in college to get to an even better graduate school. And you have to be the best graduate student to get a job. True, this may all be explained by the self-destructive tendency to continue enrolling in school, but these experiences apply just as much to industry and self-employment as they do in college. No matter where we go, there will always be a pressure to perform better or try to get a leg up, because the alternative is that all the work we did to get there was for nothing. Failing miserably is the least of our problems nowadays. Society’s worst fear is mediocrity (recall Nixon).
Enter work-life balance. I can’t count the number of times I’ve thought “I can still be the best; I just need to balance everything a little better.” Whatever word you use for it (time management, life-hacking, etc.) we all try get the best of both worlds.
But here’s the thing, we’re really just getting the worst of both worlds.
One thing I’ve learned is that the harder you work towards work-life balance, the farther you’ll likely get. Take this conversation with my advisor, for example. During my first year of graduate school, I wanted to squash the burnout before it began. I asked my advisor how he manages work-life balance and what advice he could give me. After about ten minutes of emphasizing the importance of work-life balance, I knew one thing: never ask someone with a Ph.D. about work-life balance. I needed to find answers elsewhere.
In my fervor to reach this perfect harmony I wondered “Will the voice in the back of my head telling me to be more productive ever quiet?”
I read books and research articles. I listened to podcasts and talked to colleagues. And most importantly I started listening to my body about what it needed. For me this meant taking a moment to pause every few hours or when I felt my anxiety spiking to ask: “Do I have the energy to do this right now? What do I want to be doing with my time in this moment?” I learned a few things from going down this rabbit hole.
First, the term itself is problematic. The words we use matters because they frame how we look at the world. The term work-life balance implies that work and life are separate, mutually exclusive events. Work is something you do as a chore to make money and life is the good stuff that comes after. The separate spheres of “work” and “life” set up a false binary in which we believe that one must have just the right amount of each to be successful. You work too much to spend time with your family and friends? You’re a workaholic. You spend too much time in leisure visiting family, going on trips, resting, or enjoying life? You’re lazy. But this isn’t how we experience the world, so it shouldn’t be how we talk about it. Just a few centuries ago work and leisure were inextricably linked, the urge to be productive in your work life in order to experience happiness in your life life isn’t biological, it’s social.
This led me to my second realization, if I want a life that resembles balance I need to rethink my goals. In reality, I could care less about a perfect split between the demands of work and the demands of life. What I really want is to feel content and fulfilled in whatever I do – whether it be conducting research for a work project or relaxing with a book and cup of tea.
As I make fulfillment a daily practice in my life, here are some strategies and affirmations I’ve encountered to unshackle myself from the work-life balance wormhole.
- My life is not about working; therefore I must be militant with my boundaries
- Find (non-monetized) hobbies that take up time and mental space. Allow yourself to get lost in something that is completely for you.
- Lean into boredom. When you have free time, use it. Don’t just find another “productive” thing to do.
- I am competent and intelligent; I don’t need my accomplishments to affirm this.
- When you feel the tug of urgency that a person or task demands, take a moment to assess its true urgency – it may be better to allow some time before you address it.
- Let go of the fantasy that you’ll ever be able to perfectly balance work and life. Society thrives off our constant dissatisfaction with ourselves, so it is built to ensure you never achieve this goal. We’re not playing that game anymore. We are enough now and always.
I leave you with a few words from author, artist, and rest activist Tricia Hersey, who says “You were not just born to center your entire existence on work and labor. You were born to heal, to grow, to be of service to yourself and community, to practice, to experiment, to create, to have space, to dream, and to connect.”
